Children: A Worth While Expenditure Of Time and Resources?

Image Source: http://visualeconomics.creditloan.com/how-much-does-it-really-cost-to-raise-a-kid/

One of the most important aspects of parenting is helping our children learn and grow. For the average American these days this task has become increasingly difficult because of the changing socioeconomic patterns such as increased poverty, single parenting, and employment challenges. Helping a child learn and grow takes time and resources.

So just how much does it cost? As reported in 2010 by the US Department of Agriculture (aka. USDA) “Child-rearing expenses vary considerably by household income level,”. As expected annual expenses generally increased with a child’s age, a circumstance true in both two-parent and single-parent families, the USDA news release titled ‘A Child Born In 2010 Will Cost $226,920 To Raise According To USDA Report‘.

For income level the study found the typical two-parent family spent from $11,880 to $13,830 on each child. Households that make less spend less. USDA researchers found that a family earning less than $57,600 a year is likely to spend $163,440 in 2010 dollars to rear a child, while parents earning more than $99,730 may pay more than double at $377,040.

The USDA has a more current report out for 2011that is titled “Expenditures on Children by Families“. The site also has copies of studies dating back to 1995. Perhaps more ‘fun’ or ‘shocking’ to some parents is the ‘Cost of Raising a Child Calculator‘ the USDA provides.

Cost is a big factor to consider when deciding if you want to be a parent but another factor is the time it takes to raise a child. Most studies prior to 1997 reported that raising 2 children required an hour and 42 minutes a day in primary child care activities. Ask any parent if that number is correct and like me I’m sure they would laugh. This was confirmed in a 1997 study published by Cornell University titled ‘Parents put in a full day’s work raising two children — triple the time experts had previously estimated‘. As stated in the Cornell press release:

Parents with two children put in 7.5 hours a day raising kids…For the first time, researchers here have added together all the time parents put in raising their kids; that includes primary child care (bathing, dressing, teaching, supervising, counseling, driving and feeding children), but also secondary child care (time spent with children while doing other things, such as cooking, housework, hobbies, etc.) and shared leisure, household work and eating times — what many parents call “quality” time — playing together, watching TV or eating meals together.

Personally, I find the time estimate to be correct for us with our single child. There is always the desire to have more leisure time as well as time to teach, mentor and learn with our child. Having just come back from a day at the ski slopes my wife and I spent a combined 22 hours with our daughter in between virtual work and some personal time for each of us. Time well spent and it was a very rewarding day for all.

Note: Have you ever wondered why the USDA is the Government agency tracking children and families in the USA? Makes me feel a bit like livestock.

Educating Steubenville’s Big Red & American Parents

Image Source: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/teach-your-children-well-madeline-levine/1110766161

Sunday was a day of reckoning for the community of Steubenville, Ohio and to a larger part American society. The judge in the rape case found the defendants guilty. Most of the evidence against the defendants was based upon social media (words, videos and pictures uploaded to the web).  Some of the most damaging evidence was the defendants own text messages that were read to the court by Joann Gibb’s who works in the state crime lab that retrieved hundreds of text messages from some of the 17 phones seized during the investigation.

I am sad that the lives of two potentially gifted individuals are now a shambles. Hopefully these individuals will receive the help and guidance they need to have success in their future and be a valuable part of society. I also hope the young lady has learned about the dangers of too much alcohol and keeping more control of her situations. I also hope it helps all the parents in the area recognize their responsibility as parents to be parents. To the school I hope it is a wake up call to begin taking action on underage drinking, an excessive focus on sports, and promoting responsibility for actions.

This case has shattered an American community.  It has brought to light many of the problems in today’s society and culture in the entire USA. The role of Indifference, Arrogance, Lack of Responsibility, Misguided Ethics, Entitlement and Ignorance are all evident in the case as Yahoo writer Dan Wetzel states in his article about the conviction:

It’s still hard to say if Mays and Richmond ever grasped the trouble they were in until Sunday.

Mays knew enough to grow concerned. The girl was never sure whether to press charges, but once her parents found out, there would be no doubt. They culled social media for clues and walked into the Steubenville Police Department with a flash drive of evidence.

Just prior to that, Mays became panicked and texted the girl.

“I’m about to get kicked off my football team,” Mays wrote.

“The more you bring up football, the more pissed I get,” the girl wrote back. “Because that’s like all you care about.”

Trent Mays and Ma’lik Richmond were soon arrested after that text exchange. Legendary coach Reno Saccoccia couldn’t help them now. The power of Big Red, their families’ good names, their otherwise clean pasts and strong futures, meant nothing.

A culture of arrogance created a group mindset of debauchery and disrespect, of misplaced manhood and lost morality.

Drunk on their own small-town greatness, they operated unaware of common decency until they went too far, wrote too much, bragged too many times and, finally, on a cold Sunday morning, were hauled out of a small third-floor courtroom as a couple of common criminals.

Their ride to the Scioto Juvenile Correctional Facility was waiting for them out back, two floors down, out in the real world.

Americans at all socioeconomic levels need to recognize that this case is NOT just a sad day for Steubenville. The problem is throughout the USA and needs to be corrected. We as individuals, parents, elected officials, educators and as a society as a whole need to take action and care. The message is clear… Take time with your children. As the old Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young song verse says:

Can you hear and do you care and
Cant you see we must be free to
Teach your children what you believe in.
Make a world that we can live in.

Sunday Morning Shout Out

Image Source: http://www.garfield.com/comics/todayscomic.html

It has been one of those weeks.  Stomach bugs, ear infections, math angst, and sleep deprivation are us! Fortunately my tough is many other people’s easy. Never the less, here I am , with a few thoughts to share, after reaching Friday that stretch from the land of comic strips and superheroes to “Saturday Night Live.”

Sometimes I think my life as a mother resembles a comic strip. I seem to recall a  “Family Circus” comic strip where the mother is trying to diaper the dog and walk the baby. Could putting the milk carton in the cabinet and trying to dress our son in my coat qualify here?  Or perhaps parenthood resembles comic books, as all parents are superheroes in my mind. The lengths, the extraordinary lengths we all go to for our children!  Sometimes, I think of the shower as my superwoman phone booth, where I have to  come out, and  be ready to brave any force and phenomenon that is  coming into our home, whether it be sickness, fractions, shoe tying, or food aversions. (I keep an extra cape in my purse and glove compartment in case I forget the purse)

Image Source: http://www.hamster-club.com/article.asp?ID=185

Sometimes I feel like one of those hamsters rolling in a plastic ball, as a parent.  You can sort of see what’s around you. You know where you’d like to be as a parent,  a wife, a writer, a butcher, a baker, a candle stick maker, etc., but you are trapped in this plastic ball that prevents you from going far. My plastic ball happens to be made out of sickness, added sleep loss, and an extra busy calendar right now.

Sometimes I feel like I am lost at sea. The sea is calm and beautiful at times, but other times wildly choppy, stormy, and threatening to overtake the boat.  Fortunately, I have strong oars.

Sometimes I feel astonished when I see the three little dear people in our house. I see my husband and I in miniature form. I see our strengths and weaknesses. I see our beauty marks and blemishes.  I see things that are nothing of us and extraordinarily of other, better, and beyond us.

Sometimes I just have to laugh.  When your 20 month-old pulls “Rollos” off the shelf at the supermarket, what little man wouldn’t start eating them? When your oldest becomes an expert on Greek and Roman mythology and your youngest daughter loves snakes, you just have to grin and be grateful.

The   late comedian, Gilda Radner, perhaps most known for her years on “Saturday Night Live” wrote an autobiography called It’s Always Something.  Basically the gist of it is that is such is life. At times the woe is me factor can linger large over small and not so small stuff.  I have found that when the woe is me and it leaves the house with Elvis, I am much better off. Call it humility, gratitude, grace, empathy with others who are in similar, or far, far worse and more trying situation, I am filled with perspective. Call it what you want, depending on your spiritual or lack of spiritual persuasion, but it is far better than the negative, all-consuming perspective of pity, anger, and resentment. Love fills in the broken pieces. So do comic strips, superheroes, strong oars, and laughter…

Thanks for reading this and if you have a chance please vote for our school on the WGRZ WEATHER WORD…

If you have a few minutes this evening your vote to help our school get the WGRZ weather machine would be appreciated. Here is how to vote:

1. Go to the Weather Machine Voting page link http://b5.caspio.com/dp.asp?AppKey=bfca20007a0f19933b8145ffa709
2. Select the County Name in the drop down box: Erie
3. Select the School Name in the drop down box: St John the Baptist (Alden)
4. Enter the Weather Word: Air
5. Enter the Security Code that is displayed:
6. Check the Rules and Submission Boxes
7. Click Submit
8. Do it again!  The word is good all weekend.

Keeping Parenting Relationships Strong

Image Source: http://www.nhpa.com/cooperative-parenting-and-divorce-classes/

There are many indicators that the economy may be ready to rebound for more of the USA population then it has since the Great Recession was deemed to be over in 2009. A general trend in the last 100 years has been that when there were economic difficulties in the country that divorce rates fell. This would suggest that maybe they also declined during the Great Recession. However, getting exact numbers usually takes a half dozen years so for now we can only hypothesize.

What is it about economic downturns that generally causes divorce rates to decline? D’Vera Cohn writing for the Pew Research Institute on May 2, 2012 suggested the cause is that “Perhaps couples cannot afford to get divorced during hard times—it may be too costly to live separately, one spouse may lose health benefits, divorce itself can be expensive and so forth”. However she counters this by stating “But it’s also possible that stress caused by job loss, foreclosure or other economic injury may raise the risk of divorce. Some studies even suggest that hard times undermine the sense of shared goals that shores up a marriage, because couples avoid buying homes or making other investments”.

Ms. Cohn points out that a potentially confusing factor is that the “divorce rate has been going down for decades. If it continued to decline during the Great Recession and weak recovery, it would be hard to untangle how much of a role the economy played in the change”. It may also be a factor of Marriage rates being at all time lows for the USA in general.

So I thought when I initially started this blog that it would be easy to generalize and may a point that ‘if the economy is improving, then we will be seeing an increase in divorce rates for the coming years.’ With that I was going lead into a few suggestions on keeping a marriage or any type of relationship that involves a couple as parents strong. I guess that I really didn’t need that generalization though did I? And yet, that leads perfectly to the first factor in keeping a parenting relationship strong….Communication.

Be it written, verbal, text or even non-verbal communication is the key to success as a parent team. The communication needs to be honest. It also needs to be known that to be an effective communicator you must also LISTEN. Try to avoid being busy while the other person is talking or interupting or thinking you already know what they are going to say. Try to appreciate the differences between you and the person you are communicating with wether it be at the gender level or as part of their personality style. Make sure you communicate often and make sure the children see you being an effective communicator. This will help them develop their communication skills and develops their trust in you.

Speaking of trust, to me this would be the second biggest factor in keeping the parenting relationship strong. Here it calls for you to trust the other parent to have the best interest of the children as their priority. If you think different you need to address your feelings or concerns with the individual in a non-threatning way. Asking questions like ‘I didn’t understand why you asked the children to do that’; What was your reasoning in suggesting it would be better to do the homework after playing some video games; Why did you allow them to do that?, etc. By asking your fellow parent about their action in a question instead of as an authioritarian (I wouldn’t have let them…) or judge you are showing you trust and want to better understand what they did. Trust is often the foundation of cooperation.

Cooperation is the final factor to be discussed in this post but it is certainly not the last one of importance. By cooperating with each other you are using your time effectively to provide the 26 hours i a day needed to raise a child. Cooperation saves time since it allows you to work together in raising a child rather then in a state of constant conflict. Children tend to be smarter then we as parent like to think. They can detect hostility and tensions. The effect on the child is generally negative. It also often leads to them know how to ‘play’ of each of you.

So there you have three really easy…I mean important things to do that will keep your parenting relationship strong. If they were easy then there would not be so many divorces and broken parenting relationships in the country. It is tough work but in the end it is worth it for your children, your parenting partner and YOU!

Thanks for reading this and if you have a chance please vote for our school on the WGRZ WEATHER WORD…

If you have a few minutes this evening your vote to help our school get the WGRZ weather machine would be appreciated. Here is how to vote:

1. Go to the Weather Machine Voting page link http://b5.caspio.com/dp.asp?AppKey=bfca20007a0f19933b8145ffa709
2. Select the County Name in the drop down box: Erie
3. Select the School Name in the drop down box: St John the Baptist (Alden)
4. Enter the Weather Word: Change
5. Enter the Security Code that is displayed:
6. Check the Rules and Submission Boxes
7. Click Submit
8. Do it again!

Sunday Morning Shout Out

A Parents Muse

Sometimes parenthood feels like one of those big drinks from a convenient store: morning coffee, gulp, followed by the meals of the day, big, cold gulp.

Sometimes parenthood feels like the game, “Clue”.  Johnny hit me in the living room with a book. Susie hit me in the library with a toy. S/he started it.

Sometimes parenthood feels like a Buffalo sports team, as your responses to your children feel like a “wide right,” and a “no goal,” during the  “Super Bowl” and “Stanley Cup,” and you keep trying.

Sometimes parenthood feels like a John Gray book, raising two girls and now a boy… “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus.”

Sometimes parenthood feels nothing like the award winning show “Parenthood” and sometimes it does.

Sometimes parenthood alludes description.

Sometimes parenthood feels like thievery, as you steal away 10 minutes for yourself, and a hot tea and a book, and you have found treasured gold!

Sometimes parenthood makes you feel like a scrambled egg.

Sometimes parenthood feels like a very cold morning. Watching my two little girls hang onto each other waiting for the bus, during a blustery wind, takes my breath away

Sometimes parenthood feels a lot like trying to end  a blog piece for the week. You can’t sum it up with easy comparables, but nothing else compares….

Sunday Morning Shout Out

Image Source: http://www.domesticpeace.ca/resources.html

Call it a combination of Valentine’s Day, meeting the haunting tragedy of Sandyhook Elementary School!  Call it the trauma of an Alabama boy being kidnapped from his school bus!  Call it the news lately!   Call it what seems like an end of the innocence in this country for even our youngest member of society!  I feel like our society and specifically our children need one big group hug- and then a lot of tackling of issues from there.

So much starts at home; so much continues at school.  Nurturing our children through our words, our actions, and the environment of our homes and schools is a life’s work as a parent and a school’s ultimate legacy.  One of my favorite poems reminds me of the weight of our words and deeds, as parents and educators.

            Children Learn What They Live (1998)

by Dorothy Law Nolte (1924 – 2005)

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Excerpted from the book CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

Another nice reminder comes from Carrie, a writer, Waldorf home educator, physical therapist, and mom at  “The Parenting Passageway” blog.

She offers just a few ways we can convey our affirmation, love, praise, and recognition of children and their efforts. Moving beyond a simple ‘good job,;’  these words deliver and harken back to the enthusiasm and love we poured on our children when they met their first milestones as babies.

Here are some encouraging words:

I knew you could do it!

Excellent!

Way to Go!

You almost have it, you almost did it!  How fantastic!

You are doing much better!

That is the best you have ever done!

You are right on track!

Every day you get better and better!

That is such a good idea.

You must have practiced!  I can tell!

Excellent!

Super!

Great!  Wow!

The Best!

Awesome!

You got it!

I am proud  of you!

I knew you could do it!  How cool!

Impressive!

Now you’re flying!

You are beautiful, unique, incredible!

Super work!

Exceptional!

What a good listener you are!

You tried so hard!

You really care about others!

Beyond all words are our actions. The billboards that say “Take time to be a Dad,”  speak to me about putting the time into parenting and to extrapolate, teaching.  We are a fatigued nation. As parents and educators we can all be high on the verbiage and policies that say we care, but short on the substantive actions that truly convey this meaning.  For Valentine’s Day, I put the chocolates away (or at least to the side snickers my sweet tooth) and examine myself and our home’s actions regarding our three little ones.   I think we need to do some collective thinking as a society and ask ourselves what best serves children at both home and school.  To close with some more famous words:

We must all…”Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Mahatma Gandhi

Our children’s world depends on it….

Trying

Image Source: http://www.businessinsider.com/matthew-weiner-mad-men-2011-10?op=1

I just got back for a long area government meeting and feel a bit tired so this might be a bit of a meandering rant post. The meeting had already gone long enough tonight when the topic of the new NY State gun laws came up and how the county legislature was going to vote on a proposition to repeal the law and send it to Gov. Cuomo. The biggest arguments for it were it was infringing on our rights to bear arms and there were no plans or monies set aside to enforce the new laws. What I found interesting was that no one had a concern about the violence we have seen in so many public places. Also there was no alternative solutions put forward nor even a desire to try and make the law work in a positive way.

 

In today’s age of entitlement is the need and desire to ‘try’ at anything gone the way of the dinosaurs? All around I see and hear:

• I’m not happy
• I can’t do that
• That is too hard
• Can’t they make it easier
• We can’t try that
• I’ve already decided I’m giving up
• Why should I try?

Now that we have had a brief reprieve from the ado economic depression of ’07 to ’11 it will not surprise me to see the number of divorces rise in the country. They have shown a historic pattern of doing that in this country since people can afford the lawyer and feel more security in their job. The effect on children, despite what any ‘experts’ say, is substantial and tends to be more then either parent bargains for. One part of the problem is that the child/ren see or heard that the parents ‘gave up’ or ‘didn’t try hard enough’. As such it suggests to them that it is alright to skip homework that is hard, doing just enough to get by in class and/or complaining about low scores on tests because the test is too hard.

One nice quote from a presentation tonight was “The best way to predict the future is to invent it” by Alan Kay. We sure don’t have much of a future as a society and country if we continue with the lack of effort.

Beyond School

Image Source: http://revivinghope.wordpress.com/2010/06/29/a-list-of-things-they-dont-teach-you-at-school/

One of the most important things to remember as a parent is that school is an extension, not a replacement for the education you need to provide for your child/children. Some of the items I would say from experience that most public K-12 schools don’t teach are and are important for children to mature well include:

• Manners
• Personal hygiene
• Faith
• Personal Finances
• The Golden Rule
• Board Games
• Dance
• Firearm Safety
• Dignity
• Hope
• Sledding
• Parenting Skills
• Self Defence
• Internet/Social Media etiquette
• Marriage Skills
• Building Sand Castles
• Phone skills
• Driving

These are just some of the important life skills a parent needs to promote, model, and support for their children. If you’d like to add to the list feel free to send your items over!

 

On Listening

When I was growing up, I read a lot. Books became my touchstone for normalcy. Maybe it is because of this early saturation in literature that later in life, when looking for examples or anecdotes, I’m at a loss to find things that have happened directly to me but am able to easily come up with something from a book. At the very least, I find it easier to link my experiences to books to make them more universal. And so it is that I may have held my relationships in life to a literary expectation.

One of the most difficult relationships I’ve had in my life has been with my parents. It isn’t that I think I am a particularly difficult child, or that my parents are particularly awful people. I think that all child/parent relationships are bound to be difficult during certain transition periods in life. In fact, the past fifteen months have been some of the most difficult times I’ve had dealing with my parents, bar none.

A lot of the issues in our relationship stem from what may be my inability to communicate my expectations or desires from the relationship fully, and I think this problem plagues a lot of children, no matter their age. Sometimes, what I’m looking for is just someone to commiserate with. I want my parents to empathize with me…or at the very least to sound like they empathize with me. I want them to share their own failures, their own fears, and their own shortcomings. A lot of the time, what my parents seem to hear is “I’d really love your condescending advice that comes from a place that doesn’t seem to involve much listening and a lot of judgment”.

Then again, maybe that’s just the realities of communication. You don’t always get what you want from other people. Ultimately, my ideal parent would be modeled on Marmee, from Little Women. Marmee is supportive without being smothering, wise without being judgmental, and truly seems to listen to and respond to the very disparate needs of her four daughters. Then again, parenting doesn’t come with a manual, and parents are not omniscient, even when it comes to their own offspring. But maybe, if we all start listening to each other more, we can find a better relationship.

Sunday Morning Shout Out

 “Happy New Year and an Ode to Children and Parenting”

Ah parenting. There should be a separate occasion after the baby shower where they tell some of the other details that will make up your life for the next 18+ years. I don’t know, a meeting of the minds where you get a step by step of how to give a good hairy eyeball; where you are briefed on the fact your sleep will never be the same and that you will learn how to function on doctor’s hours many a day; and that each child in your life will be this funny mix of “Who is this alien creature to Wow, there I am in miniature form!” There are the things that will inevitably come to pass. For one, you will turn into your parents. From saying “Because I told you so”   to doing the things you would never imagine you’d do, this will happen! As children, my siblings and I would laugh that our dear mother could misplace a birthday card or a Christmas present and have it turn up six months later. You will be that mother and it will make perfect sense. One can only keep so many things straight.

Image Source: http://www.communityofmindfulparents.com/the-joy-of-being-a-parent/

You will need ear plugs, a mop, and a constant wet rag for life’s many messes with children. Your home will never be as neat as you want it or as quiet as you need it at certain times of the day. You will long for the minimalist monastery, but often have the frat party look in your home, replete with toys that rival Santa’s workshop.

You will learn the fine art of arbitration. The great unions of the world will not match your fine negotiating skills between your various aged children.

You will become a magician on many occasions, as with a  ta dah, you will pull off birthday parties, holidays, and other special events sick, exhausted, puzzled, and at the last minute.

You will become a boxer. You will beat yourself up about how you could have approached things better with your child on countless occasions. You will feel bruised and battered at the end of many a day. You will sometimes crumple to the ground in crying defeat. But you will also do your victory lap around the ring and a happy dance for things that would seem laughable in your 20’s or with your sibling or friend’s children.

Yet you will feel treasures immeasurable. How do you put to words the gorgeous beauty of your children’s little blooming personalities? Their little quips that are so innocent, yet so profound. –So funny and so true. From your vivacious daughter who professes the nights are too long and that she doesn’t like to sleep ; to your oldest who asks you questions that your theologian friend needs to answer; to your baby boy whose wispy first phrases of love you and Grandpa highlight your day. How do you describe the smile that connects you to your spouse over your children and the special contentment they cause and you have created?

How do you duplicate the warmth of your children’s snuggle.  When days leave us broken,  their little snuggles are so large and healing. When phones scream at us and the noise of the world threatens to drown us, their laughter and little voices uplift us to our better selves.

For this New Year, I wish you the hairy eyeball to use with great skill when needed and the cacophony of your children along with the calm and contentment that only a parent can know. I wish you all of it, because that is what having children is all about it. —And I am so so glad! Happy New Years!