Sunday Morning Shout Out

Early friendships are a trademark of childhood.  While they can bring great joy, they can also bring challenge and even great sorrow. In childhood we learn to negotiate this process.  The article “Helping Elementary Schoolers Deal With Social Conflict,” from the PBS Parents website, offers some great tips for children and parents alike.

The experts from this article say that parents should teach their children how to handle social conflicts, rather than solving their problems for them. Here is a brief recap

1. Expect your child to respect everyone and treat them with non-hurtful behavior, but respect their right to not necessarily like everyone or want to be their best friend.  Respectful behavior means treated classmates civilly.  If a classmate, rather than a friend, comes to your child’s lunch table and says hello or asks a question, civil means your child is expected to say hello back and answer their question.  Civil means no meanness.
2. Role model the behavior you want to see in your child.  If you want your child to be inclusive, you need to exemplify that by who you talk to at their school or in your life.  If you do not want them to gossip, refrain from this yourself.
3. Don’t get over invested in their social life or as the article puts it, “dig for pain,” if something bad happens to them socially. Parents often experience two simultaneous things when their child is hurting or in trouble.  It can be very painful to see your child experience pain like this for the first time or to see them inflict pain like this for the first time.  It may also bring up their own pain or bad memories of school.  Additionally, it may put a parent into Mama and Papa Bear form.  This article encourages parents to focus on teaching their children how to handle the issue in a proactive way, to not over analyze it, and not become overly involved.
4. What can you do then? You can teach them to learn to speak directly.  “Emma, you hurt my feelings when you would not let me sit with you.”  “ Hunter, I am sorry I hurt your feelings when I did not pick you for the game.”  Even at this early stage in the game, you can begin to realize their goals are not necessarily your goals, when it comes to friendships and so many things. Accepting this is important and helping them capitalize on making and reaching good goals on the social front and other fronts -so important. Yet with this, it is important to be open about what you see in friendship dynamics (and your rights as a parent). You can congratulate a behavior in them or a friend or criticize a behavior in them or a friend, without criticizing a friend or them.  For example, it is okay to express disappointment that Suzie did not give out invitations to everyone for her party, but only a select few.  This will help them begin to analyze dicey and good friendship dynamics, by seeing you model this for them. This is different than saying Suzie was so selfish and inconsiderate to not give everyone at school an invitation for her party.
5. Teaching them to solve problems independently is the ultimate emphasis, and something that can be considered separately.  If your child comes home upset from school or a play date, you can ask them what happened and the following questions: “What did you try?”; “How did it work?”; and “What else could you try?” Give them time to respond to help the answer come from them.  When you do this, it helps parents get out of the routine of always telling their children what to do.

Let’s face it.  We are not always around to tell our children what to do.  We need to equip them with the skills to make good decisions on every front.  When they are equipped, a new behavior takes a hold, along with a sense of confidence and pride.

Holiday Social Learning

Although school can often seem to focus almost exclusively on academic content, a huge part of education is also about learning to build relationships with many different kinds of people. Being able to interact and communicate with people is a huge part of any career, and the holiday season offers a great opportunity for widening your child’s social sphere.

Although it may seem instinctual, kids need to learn how to adapt to many social situations. Rather than just leaving your child’s social development up to chance, you can take deliberate action to help your child become a social butterfly. This holiday season, encourage your child to talk to every family member at a family gathering. One of my friends recently remarked that he had heard his 18-year-old cousin’s voice for the first time after 18 years of family gatherings. Make your social expectations for your child deliberate so that a situation like that doesn’t happen in your family. One way to make sure your child talks to everyone is to have him thank everyone who gives him a present. If your child is easily stressed out by social situations, try offering a script. “Thank you for the gift, (insert relative’s name here). It was very thoughtful of you” might be one example. Some children won’t need that kind of prompting, but they may need a reminder to actually thank everyone. This attention to both social interaction and gratitude will serve your child well throughout life.

In my family, my parents always put me in charge of handing out gifts to other relatives. This forced me to approach people that I may not have otherwise, and it provided a great conversation starter. “Merry (insert holiday of your choice), (insert relative’s name)!” is an easy icebreaker, but remind your child not to run away immediately after saying it. For a little moral support, try going along with her, but don’t take charge of the situation.

Another way to help prompt your child’s social interactions is not to sit next to her. At parties, many kids end up clinging to their parents for the duration, but purposefully setting up some distance can help to get your child engaged with others. Even if you only leave one chair between you and your child, you’ll still be opening up room for someone else to strike up a conversation. Of course, you want to be sure that your child can manage without you being right next to them. While a little uneasiness at not being next to Mom or Dad is okay, you don’t want your child to be disruptive at the party because of it. Use your best judgment!

If you’re hosting a party, try putting your child in charge of something. Whether it’s showing guests where to put their coats or greeting them at the door, by having your child be part of the hosting experience you’ll be teaching him valuable lessons about how to interact with guests. Help your child feel involved right from the start by doing anything from helping to send out invitations and make out place cards to setting the table and assisting in food preparation. If your child already feels invested in the party, he’ll be more likely to be involved as the party is going on. This can also be a great conversation starter, as guests can comment on the food or the decorations and your child can take credit.

As for conversation starters, what better way to strike up discussion than a fun game? My family personally enjoys Jenga or LCR, but almost any game will do. Games can often help children to relax, so make sure your child is familiar with the rules before pulling it out a party to reduce stress.

Kids love games, and these fun activities also help kids interact with party guests! (Image Credit:http://www.ohnuts.com/blog/2009/11/hanukkah_party_ideas.html)

What are other ways you’ve found to help your child build social skills around the holiday season?